when dreams are not just what they are

there is this one guy i dream on more than just one time. he has 'pot amir' hair and features. he has a name. he came around whenever i am about to break up. i can say that he is my imaginary boyfriend. he gave me hope. hope that i will meet another guy. hehehe.

my dream was so surreal i sometime let myself think that i will meet him in the future. when i was with arwah n.asa, i dream of him once. i didn't give it much thought as it came when my relationship was so new. i thought whatever squabbles that we had were just a process of getting to know each other. should i know that my relationship is about to end the way it did, i would have taken the note and enjoy the relationship wickedly. but i did not. i thought he is just a dream. just another dream.

last night, i had a dream. a dream in ramadhan when the satans are all locked up in dungeons. i slept after solat, and reciting yassin. i thought there is something to it. i told myself not to bother but i just couldn't. i woke up hyperventilating realizing its close to 0400 and got upset and its hard to fall asleep again.

i wanted to pray but i was so pre-occupied with scary thoughts i don't want to risk praying half-heartedly. so i just re-fresh my wudhu's and helplessly try to force myself to sleep again.

in my dream i met n.asa with 'that' girl. she is somebody i would never ever in my life feel insecure to. she is just a plain-ani [malaysia aper, otherwise she can be plain-jane, or plain-mary]. she is plain. plain in every-way-i-could-possibly-think-of.

while forcing myself back to sleep, i pray pray pray that i don't have to run into him. whoever the girl is. i don't want to know. let bygones be bygones. its done and over with. i just want to move on and be better.