alive

ever experience numbness? you have this creepy feeling that you can't quite describe as it blocks you from every sensation that colors your life. you can't cry, can't smile, can't push yourself too much cuz you don't know when will you snap into two.

ring a bell? no? i've been getting it lately. more and more i might say. i gives some freedom though. i am no longer mood reliant. i can put on any mask at my convenience. whenever i feel like glowing, i will sing and smile for no reason, so is when i feel like being ryrevenge.

my heartbeat is ceased to exist? gedit? no? my adrenaline has not been working for a while. nothing excites me as much as it could do a while ago, and less and less thing seemed significant. my optimism and hope thin.

i have my drug, my poison, my cure. i feel the need to torture myself, well, not literally - fools. i constantly push myself a little bit towards the bad side as i thought pain is easier to achieve. i am well assured that my sanity will keep me in check but i will on going like this as i want to know where will this take me.

i want to witness miracle. i am going to do this to myself, let it happen.